The Need To Be Heard: Lorraine Pursell, MA, NBC-TV Segment
Kevin: All right, this is the MBT Kids Connection. I am joined by Lorraine Pursell. She is a family harmony expert and an international best-selling author. Welcome back.
Lorraine Pursell: Thanks, Kevin.
Kevin: This topic today, Your Child Needs to Feel Heard. We as parents sometimes just assume that our message is getting across. We assume that our kids are hearing us. I’m assuming that’s not a correct assumption.
Kevin: How’d I do there?
Lorraine Pursell: That was good. That was really good, Kevin.
Kevin: So, okay. So kids need to feel that they are being heard. So what do we need to do to make that happen?
Lorraine Pursell: Well, if you notice your child is having a big emotion, stop. We want to just ignore it, we want to maybe react and get defensive against them. Just take a deep breath and go to them and say, I can see that you are having a big feeling right now. What are you feeling? Let them unload and unpack that.
Kevin: Well, the problem is these big feelings happen at the most inappropriate time, when you are getting them in the car, when you are trying to get them ready for bed. So you really have to take that breathing moment.
Lorraine Pursell: Well, yes. Take the breathing moment because that breaks the hypnotic trance of getting ready to yell.
Kevin: Which is important again.
Lorraine Pursell: Yeah, getting ready to get angry. But if you have to get in the car and get somewhere on time, then it’s just like we will talk about this while we’re driving. I’m going to buckle you in, let’s take off. Okay, now I understand that you are having a hard time with it. You want to tell me a little bit about what’s going on with you?
Kevin: Why is it so important that our kids feel that they are being heard?
Lorraine Pursell: This is so massive, Kevin because if kids aren’t heard, they wind up bottling it up and stuffing it and these are the kids that it pops out with a lot of –
Kevin: Inappropriate behavior later on?
Lorraine Pursell: Alcohol, drugs, cutting – it’s like from all of that stuffing where they weren’t allowed to express their anger or to have someone hear them. Like their feelings don’t matter. That’s huge.
Kevin: Wow, so it is huge because what we do today by not making sure our kids are hearing us will show up years later down the line.
Lorraine Pursell: Yes, yes. And then they will end up seeing somebody like me later on. And you may wind up footing the bill.
Kevin: Okay, I understand that. So again, take the pause moments when those incidents come up. And they are going to do it may be multiple times each day.
Lorraine Pursell: Yes, yes.
Kevin: Take the time to breathe. Take the time to communicate with your kids. Okay, you’re having this sort of feeling, this emotion. And then where do you take it from there?
Lorraine Pursell: I really care. I really care about how you’re feeling.
Kevin: Use those words.
Lorraine Pursell: Yes, I really care about how you are feeling. And do I need to apologize to you for something?
Kevin: You know, that’s interesting. You’ve said this on other Kid Connections because parents apologizing. I’m thinking I don’t ever remember my parents ever saying they were sorry for anything that they’ve ever – they are the parents. They lay down the law. Why should they apologize?
Lorraine Pursell: Because we make lots of mistakes, don’t you think, Kevin?
Kevin: Well, we know that but they don’t know that.
Lorraine Pursell: And so when we apologize and we relate that we blew it, like when I used to yell at my son, Mark, I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry. I should not have yelled at you. So please forgive me. I think that opens up great spans of communication for your child and that closeness because what we want is that closeness with our child. So they can come to us and talk when they need to later when they are older in their teens.
Kevin: And then does that reinforce that they believe that they are being heard? If you apologize to them.
Lorraine Pursell: Yes, yes. Or say what can I do to make this up to you? What can I do to make this up to you?
Kevin: Okay, all right. Let’s make the transition to your e-book, Stop Yelling at Your Kids. Tell us about that.
Lorraine Pursell: Yes, okay. It’s a great 50 page e-book that I wrote and it’s just filled and packed with ways for you to find yourself as a mom to make sure that you are taking care of yourself and you are not exhausted, you are not in adrenal fatigue. You are really taking care of yourself so you can take care of your family well and living a life that you love.
Kevin: And it’s free?
Lorraine Pursell: It’s free at StopYellingatYourKids.com.
Kevin: All right, easy enough. Thank you so much, Lorraine.
Lorraine Pursell: Yeah, thanks, Kevin.
Kevin: All right. And yeah, because if mama ain’t happy, nobody’s happy.
Lorraine Pursell: Yes, that’s really true.
Kevin: Remember that. We’ll be right back.
Lorraine Pursell: So be happy, mama.
Your Child needs to be heard to avoid destructive behavior. Learn about raising great kids at www.StopYellingAtYourKids.com and get Lorraine’s FREE e-Book.